Age After Beauty

Aging: something that carries with it the burden of facing the following: releasing dreams and expectations that may never get fulfilled, letting go of outer beauty, noticing the body falling apart, watching yourself become marginalized, seeing yourself in the eyes of young people who dismiss you and think you are irrelevant and stupid, seeing yourself in the eyes of young people who admire you because they feel safe with you, realizing that once and for all you will never, ever be a contender again for anything in the world that really matters..knowing that ultimately none of this matters and such as it is, your life is more about the inner than the outer. Being forced to live an outer life that has nothing whatsoever to do with who you are, what you feel and think and what you have to give. Having no place to give what you have to offer. Looking at pictures of yourself and realizing that 1) you are incredibly fat--beyond recognition 2) you have acquired grimace lines around the mouth because you spent 2 years from hell, four months in a shelter and 1 and half years homeless and those lines were earned as you faced the worst fear, anxiety and depression of your life 3) you look peculiar, somewhat strange and totally unattractive--an eccentric with absolutely nothing to recommend her. All of this just continues to point up the delusion of age. The sadness of growing older and knowing that in your particular life you will never be considered interesting or important or fun. That no one will find you attractive because you look perpetually angry and depressed. Because you are perpetually angry and depressed. Because you are bitter. Because your heart has been broken. Because you have not had a love relationship in 13 years. Because perhaps you never will. Because your life is an isolated one without much contact. Because if this does not change you will continue to harbor daily thoughts of death and suicide.