The Falling Away of Cynicism

New Year's Day 2009

The Falling Away of Cynicism

We start our lives quite hopeful and as the result of a series of betrayals (discovering our parents lied about Santa Claus and the gradual and inexorable disintegration of the archetypal all-powerful Mother and Father) ) we become increasingly more cynical. Studies have shown that most children give up their trust and become cynical, humorous skeptics so to speak, and more bleak (it's a one-way route, a lot of effort with very little reward--more on that later) between the ages of 8 and 11! Shocking--a child of 8 or 9 or 10 or so can actually start having a jaundiced and skeptical lens on life--looking at things from the smirk--what I call the "enlightened smirk!" The dangers of not being cynical is that you could end up being taken for a ride, but is that the worst thing that could possibly happen? I guess it does depend on where the ride goes--if you lose your life, then idealism and trust have definitely betrayed you, or perhaps you were simply ignorant. Many people lose many things out of misguided hope and trust--the current housing crisis is a monumental example of how a few, nasty, cynical and manipulative greedy people could hoodwink a huge segment of the population into thinking that the "american dream" could be had for nothing! "There's nothing for nothing," a New Jersey friend of mine once said. You don't have to be born in New Jersey to understand that mentality inside the context of modern cultural and social structures. And more than likely, it was true way back in Stonehenge A.D. 42 where local chiefs and various tribal factions bartered goods and skills for women. In those days women were the commodity of sacrifice because beautiful ones were hard to find and there were a lot of randy men. And hey--what's changed? On line dating sites make it plain that if you don't post your picture you aren't as likely to receive as many replies to your biography and therefore we have all manner of women in all shapes, ages and sizes scrambling around trying to post a picture that flatters them and makes their waist to hip ratio or the facial features show them as "viable" (Viable meaning: Beautiful, Young and Potentially Procreative) even when they don't want to be or can't be! On the other hand, on the MySpace site of a well-known actor there are hundreds of posts from gorgeous young women showing themselves in seductive but tasteful poses, I imagine endeavoring to get the attention of this man who may not even maintain the site! Does he endorse their desperate attempts to get his attention and/or approval, or is this just the fantasy of a 17 year old who maintains the site? We'll never know. In either case we have women putting themselves out on the marketplace for people to peruse in the hopes that the physical attributes they possess will get them what they think they want? And what is THAT, pray tell? That's the subject of another blog

Where are we going with this? We move from cynicism to sexism but I suppose it is all one ball of wax, really. In my own biography, it is clear that I saw through most of the lies, deceptions and hypocrisies of the adults around me at a very young age, but I never gave up my hope or my idealism. This really set me apart from my peers, I can see it clearly now, although at the time I just though they were mean. Now, at the age of nearly 60, I am still embracing an idealistic hope for the evolution of humankind, for the development of love and compassion, for the possibility of the future, even if I am not here to participate. At least, not there in THIS form--the body and mind of Allison Vivian Fine. However, I can be hoodwinked, I can be shocked into sadness and grief, I can be swept away with brilliant moments of hope and vision (the week after Obama's election I was floating all over Chicago)--all of these ups and downs simply baffle the vast majority of people I know and encounter--they simply cannot understand why I don't "get it" and I, in turn, don't understand why THEY don't get it!

The effort it takes to maintain a cynical attitude is simply not in my repertoire and to be honest, I am too lazy. But also, and this is the point, I just don't know HOW to be cynical because, to my observation, it involves quite a lot of laughing at other people at their expense, making fun of them, ridiculing them and since I have been the object of cruelty and ridicule all my life, and even most recently in the work place, it would not be in my consciousness to do the same to another person. I would feel too guilty, I would know I was transgressing one of my own sacred vows, to give to others only what I believe is true and right and good--now! That said, God knows I am not perfect, and I do have ugly thoughts of revenge and anger and all sorts of things toward those who attack me or make fun of me, but thank God I know better than to act them out, although when things get really terrible I do set boundaries and defend myself through the proper channels. Still, I grapple with the same nasty stuff we all do, but underneath all that I know that anyone who is acting out cynicism, sarcasm and ridicule of others is essentially deeply hurt inside and after all the law is that what we do to others we do to ourselves! Imagine the pain one causes for oneself to be continually in judgment of everyone else! I just don't want to go there--I guess I am too dumb--it takes a certain kind of cunning intelligence to know how to hurt other people just exactly where it will do the most damage. I don't have that kind of smarts. It takes way too much effort to be sophisticated and sarcastic--I'll stay my same dumb, naive, foolish self.

The ability to embrace hope and drop cynicism is the understanding that we are ALL vulnerable beings with a soft heart and a fragile mechanism--that as Pema Chodrun writes in her book Start Where You Are: "..if we begin to surrender to ourselves--begin to drop the storyline and experience what all this messy stuff behind the storyline feels like--we begin to find bodhichitta--the tenderness that's under all that harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others--if it's done properly with proper understanding--we benefit as well." And for me, this is the essential point--the point where I drop having to see myself as a certain way or to having others see me in a certain way--I can be the naive, the silly, the laughable fool that falls into puddles and slips on bananas--I can also be the fool that carries a lantern and lights the way. But the only way I can accomplish being myself, I realize, is to accept and recognize that in my entire life of 60 years cynicism and sarcasm have never worked for me. I would rather have the experience of all those emotions coursing through me--I can always watch them come in and out without thinking they own me--because they don't. I would rather you betray me, upset me, ridicule me and hurt me, because at the end of the day the price for being hopeful is the joy of knowing life is interconnected and that we live on a compassionate planet.

Love and Peace to All in the Coming Year.